rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
