guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
