My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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