Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
