made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
