Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
