yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
