Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if only i could text you this smell
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
