There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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