Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize