well I can't set my house on fire every night
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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