508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
