I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
