You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
