In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
