If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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