My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
