just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
