i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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