So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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