in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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