is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize