Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize