Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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