I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
