I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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