Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize