smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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