I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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