Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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