I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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