i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
