I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
