I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
