Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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