the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
