omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
