omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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