Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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