I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
