It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
