I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
