why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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