You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
