I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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