I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
