Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need to calm my uterus...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
