I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize