I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
