So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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