First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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