I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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