I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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