I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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