Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
