Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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