dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
