Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
