He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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