now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
