I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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