someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
