nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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