Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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