apparently the secret to your success is patron
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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